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Wouldn`t it be nice if we knew what all these unspoken agreements are? Would that not facilitate the conclusion of advantageous agreements and, if so, if we actually respect them? Since Kathy Bob`s marriage, she has taken the back seat in her interactions, trying to please her and not focusing on her needs or growth, as her needs were a priority for both. He was a successful accountant who worked very hard to climb the ranks of his accounting company. She stayed home because he wanted her to do it. He never asked her what she wanted to do. If she rented it or did things to improve her career and social image in the community, he would be happy with her. For the first eight years of their marriage, their purpose was to obtain his consent. The tacit agreement was: „I will be smaller than you and in return you will love me.“ As time dictates, Kathy has become stronger and more aware for her own worth as a person. She realized she wanted a career for herself and enrolled in a phd program in psychology. This led to a change in their relationship that created cracks in the bridge.

A relationship is a bridge, which Dr. Bruce Fisher compares to a bridge in his book „Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends „. The relationship is the horizontal part of the bridge that connects two people who are the foundations of the bridge at both ends. The foundations must be strong to support the bridge. If one of the foundations moves or changes, the bridge develops cracks. If these cracks are not treated, they will cause the relationship to disintegration. Change always happens as long as we are alive. If you deny or resist these changes, the relationship will either be strained and lose the good feelings that were there at the beginning, or it will break. Each person must work on their personal growth to have a healthier relationship with themselves. He must also understand his partner`s needs. Then the couple needs to know what needs they want to meet separately and what they want to develop with their partner. Silent chords in your relationships work the same way as this, but with more levels.

Here, we sometimes keep a squent about what`s going on beneath the surface, even though your behavior reveals you. For example, your partner experiences your real feelings when you experience your fear of sexual intimacy in the form of headaches in bed. But he agrees (tacitly) not to say anything about it, because he fears that if you two talk about the subject openly, the real reasons for your disinterest could be so serious that he might never have sex with you again. He also wants to avoid an uncomfortable conversation about sex, because he doesn`t want to say out loud that he doesn`t have sexual confidence and therefore finds women intimidating. He therefore relies on them to continue to help him to keep his worries and feelings quiet. And so on. We bring these agreements (which often look like opinions) everywhere. The same is natural for everyone else.

And that`s exactly how the disagreement over what was said, what was said, or what should be, suddenly becomes much more likely.